I never really thought I would end up here. When Little Kai was sitting watching romantic comedies and planning her own wedding, she did not account for divorce. I am sure nobody really does account for divorce. But the fact is that 41% of all first marriages will end; and while nobody wants to be a statistic, it is bound to happen for a few of us. Maybe we should start changing that fairytale narrative for little girls everywhere. Turns out that sometimes happily ever after turns out to be happily ever divorced, and that is okay too.
So here I am, 32 years old, and re-entering the dating world with a clean slate. Well as clean as a divorcee in her thirties with a child’s schedule can be I suppose. I find myself re-entering a pool that I haven’t dipped my toe in since I was 20 years old. And if we are being completely honest, it’s not like I was really experiencing any true form of dating at that age. Unless you count being invited to take shots at a frat guys house as dating, which I’m sure you do not. So how does this all work? How do you get started? How do you date after divorce? No really, I am asking. Any advice?
The concept of dating is clearly a new one for me. The vulnerability of putting myself out there in what some would consider not my “prime” is something I am still coming to terms with. My fears and insecurities most likely outweigh my confidence and readiness on any given day. My thoughts run wild with new anxieties daily:
Will someone love me with the body that I have now? This body grew a human and has been through a lot, but it isn’t the same body I had in my twenties. The pool of gorgeous women on the top of their physical game is huge, so why would someone choose me? Which raises the larger concern of why I put so much importance on whether someone will find me desirable. I should find myself desirable. Unfortunately, my confidence independent of my spouse’s opinion of me is something I need to foster. For so long I knew that I was spoken for and my self worth relied heavily on that fact. Now I need to work on loving myself by myself because the truth is that my body is still beautiful and worthy of love.
Will someone respect my relationship with my ex husband? We are best friends and very much involved in each other’s lives with co-parenting our daughter, but to an outsider that has to be a difficult concept to grasp. Anyone dating a divorcee with children has to understand that there is a dynamic with their ex that will be a constant in their lives for the foreseeable future. It takes a certain amount of strength and confidence in yourself to respect the relationship of your spouse with their ex. Am I capable of finding someone strong enough to understand?
Will someone love my daughter as much as they love me? She has a father. She has a wonderful father. I don’t ever want anyone to replace her dad. I want someone to love her for the beautiful human being that she is. I am so protective of that little soul and know she deserves nothing short of adoration from any person in her world. In some ways I am more protective of her than myself. I want her to avoid pain as much as possible in her lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to be the person causing it. So I need to choose a partner with an open and loving heart that is willing to take on a relationship with me as well as her.
What type of relationship do I even want? This one is interesting. Of course I want marriage again, but when and is that even what I am looking for right now? Should I just enjoy myself and think about marriage later. When I was younger there was a certain timeline to abide by. Relationship. Marriage. Children. Now that I have checked those boxes, where do I go from there? I don’t feel an urgency to walk down the aisle again right away, but I am also not keen on casual meaningless relationships. There has to be some middle ground of dating to discover.
With all those thoughts swirling around in my head I have to actually take action and start dating, but how? It seems the only viable option these days is dating apps, but the traditionalist in me finds it hard to believe in the possibility of real romance there. I would love to meet someone organically, but considering we are in a global pandemic, that outcome seems unlikely. All of my friends are married and don’t have any single guy friends. So what is the course of action? I must be willing to put myself out there in some capacity if I wish to find success. Baby steps are the only way to get to big girl steps. It all seems so complicated. The only thing that keeps me sane is realizing there are so many people that are my age who are starting over. A community can go a long way when finding your footing in society. Talking to like minded people has helped me realize that no matter what path I take in this new life of mine, I will be okay.
I will start dating here soon but for now I will sip my wine and overthink a bit more.
