Since the beginning of the pandemic the perspective on what is normal has changed across many different cultural behaviors. For single people one of the most glaring changes is the immediate transformation of the dating world. All of the precautions that came with social distancing affected many different facets of the already complicated dating landscape. Now more than ever the importance of apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge have never been more paramount. Not to mention the muddled world of what is now acceptable for a date, hookup, or even a breakup? For me I also have had to learn some hard truths when it comes to the responsibilities of handling emotions when circumstances are far from ideal. The now common term “Ghosting” has become even more prevalent during quarantine, it can be both beneficial but also comes with possibility of really hurting the other person’s feelings. A true double edged sword.
I met Claire through Bumble and we immediately hit it off. She was definitely my type physically and we shared a similar love for dark memes and true crime podcasts. Like many relationships from this generation it began primarily digitally; texting each other memes, selfies, and music suggestions. It got to the point where she was the first person I spoke with in the morning and last person I spoke with at night. This carried on for a few weeks because this was in May at the beginning of the pandemic, no one knew what the extent of this virus was and it felt the right thing to do staying distant from the time being. The texts turned into sexts sending each other nudes, videos, and descriptive ideas of what we would do once we actually started hanging out. It reached a point where it all boiled over and we finally set up a real date. We had stayed patient and both social distanced prior to meeting. Our first date was a simple coffee on an early Saturday afternoon. It was really nice, we walked around and talked about our lives, challenges, and families. It was candid and honest, it felt right. After talking for an hour I walked her back to her car and asked if I could give her a kiss goodbye. That kiss turned into a hour long make out session in the back seat of her SUV. I was hooked.
Afterwards I felt guilty because of the restrictions for Covid-19, then came the anxiety.
“Did I just get it?” “Will I pass it on to my roommates?” “Am I going to die?” “Am I a bad person?” I was conflicted, do I think with my dick or with my brain? I already was plotting ways to self sabotage and blame the pandemic to never meet up again. I couldn’t deal with the stress of the virus as well as starting a new relationship during a quarantine.
Like most men, I thought with my dick and wanted to meet up again.
I invited her over a couple days later to spend the night. We watched Hulu in bed eating sushi cuddled up and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. Eventually the TV got shut off and we had passionate sex, the best I’ve had in over a year. This was the end of the Honeymoon stage.
In hindsight I now realize that when we were texting before our relationship got physical I overlooked several red flags. Claire told me flat out “I can be a really big bitch.” She also previously got out of an abusive relationship without working through her issues which was highlighted by a low self esteem and negative thinking. She was very vocal about both and when we became more involved it was directed more at me. We dated for another two months and it continued to get worse. Our conversations that once had care, compassion, and interest had dried up to one word answers and scoffs. Physically she was absolutely beautiful but I could tell that she took pleasure in making me feel like shit. Her personal and professional life would always have self inflicted issues where should would push the blame on others instead of taking responsibility. She would lash out and say rude things to her coworkers, family, and myself. I would try to comfort her and be there for her needs but it became emotionally draining. She would lambaste me whenever I suggest that she needed to seek professional help. Speaking from experience I know that the pandemic has been draining for my own mental health, I imagined for someone working through issues it could be even harder. For me it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves and I can only sound like a broken record for so long. She was content with misery and kept trying to drag me down with insults. Arguing and making up became commonplace, a toxic pattern.
I feel that the reason I stayed with her longer than I normally would was probably pandemic related. It was nice to find physical comfort in another person and the idea of starting over again with the current circumstances was too daunting. The straw that broke the camels back came when I realized how much I dreaded her presence, how my heart sunk when I heard my text tone, and how much damage was coming to my own mental health from her consistent negativity.
Fearing a blow out I broke up with her over the phone because I didn’t want to risk having her turn into a ball of physical rage. After I told her we were over she insulted me, threatened me, and sent endless text messages after the fact. I chose to take the high rode I gave her my best wishes, blocking all forms of communication. I ghosted her.
A couple of weeks passed by and I decided to download Bumble once again. I matched with Maria after a couple of days. She was a kindergarten teacher and we proceeded digitally for a couple weeks before we chose to meet up. Before meeting I asked her if she had been social distancing and she said she had been taking this seriously following restrictions. For me this is a big deal because I have been doing the same. We met up for coffee and walked through Balboa park on a Sunday afternoon. From what I thought it was a great date, we both laughed, shared personal stories, and had similar interests. I vowed after my last dating experience to take it slow so I walked her to her car and hugged her goodbye. I said “lets do this again maybe for dinner” and she told me “she would love that.” I drove home with a big smile on my face thinking I caught a winner. I texted her later that evening seeing how the rest of her day went and there was no response. First hour goes by, nothing. Two hours, nothing. At bedtime I checked my phone one last time, nothing. “Maybe she’ll text back when i’m asleep.” My delusions intensified. I woke up the next day and checked my phone first thing in the morning, still nothing.
I didn’t want to double text so I thought I’ll let it sit for two days then I’ll touch base to have closure. For the next few days it was the only thing I could think of and it clouded my thoughts. It made me think of Claire and how I ghosted her, it made me feel like I was cruel but the fact is I wished her well and gave closure. Maria just ghosted me with no response. The time came where I sent the text “Hey hope you’re doing well. Let me know if you want to hang out again if not its cool.”
She texted me back three hours later “Hey Joaquin I appreciate you reaching out. I don’t want to move any further with this in any way.” I texted back “take care” and that was it. It initially hurt my ego, I wanted to ask what I did wrong or why she made that decision but she didn’t owe me an explanation. After looking introspectively, I took it as a blessing, I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. I was thankful for the closure because those couple days where I didn’t hear back from her worried me. It hurt my self esteem, “am I ugly?” “Was I awkward?” “Did I scare her?”
All those thoughts rushed through my mind but when I heard back from her they went away.
Some of the best dating advice I’ve ever gotten was just keep working on yourself and someone will notice you. I truly believe that. One thing this pandemic has done is it has forced many people to look within and deal with inner anguish that has now boiled to the surface. For me I have had to face some codependency issues that I saw in my relationship with Claire, I kept seeking validation from someone who wasn’t capable of truly loving me because they didn’t love themselves. With Maria it was the fact that when she ghosted me I lost all control of the situation, that ball was in her court. It was her choice not to date anymore and there was nothing I could do about it. Like Covid-19, the circumstances were completely out of my hands. That all being said I am thankful that I am able to see all of this with a clear mind from a bird’s eye view and be honest with myself without being destructively self critical. Dating during a pandemic is complicated and doesn’t come with a handbook but my advise would be to take is slow, keep reasonable expectations, and follow your gut.
(Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity for “Claire” and “Maria.”)
