Memorial day, once the marker of wearing white clothing, now starts the beginning of a new dawn. Hot Girl Summer. This year it’s a little different. People are vaxxed, waxed and severely starved for human connection. With mask mandates lifting and social distancing guidelines wavering, nature is healing and the hoes are returning.
May for me was a trial run Hot Girl Summer. I needed to test the waters first after being in a situationship throughout 2020 and the results have not been too kind to me. It has made me think about what kind of summer do I really want to have?
I could have a Mamma Mia Summer where I fall in love with three different men, one representing each month of the summer. In this narcissistic fantasy, they’ll remain in love with me twenty-three years later, minus the fatherless baby.
Or, I could be the Antichrist to White Boy summer, made famous from Chet Hanks’ viral post. Ruining the lives of every white man that crosses my path. Also, this very narcissistic plan heavily involves me falling down a hole of unhealthy coping mechanisms and trying to one-up fuck boys who don’t care about what I do.
My favorite idea is taking Hot Girl Summer to the extreme and having a Hot Whore Summer. Really step into my role of not being the main character but being the friend that overshares and overindulges in their sex life. Think of characters like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother and of course the true main character from Sex In the City, Ms. Samantha Jones. Which is not much different from how I was pre-pandemic.
However, my test run of May showed me that there are some flaws in my plan! Or something within my subconscious is sabotaging me because I think I have been failing terribly! I thought maybe I lost my hot girl legs a bit, I haven’t really used this muscle in over a year. But, for three weekends in a row, the Universe showed me that there might be trouble on the horizon!
Trail 1- Getting Back on that Horse
Picture me: fully vaccinated, waxed, single, hot outfit, makeup on point, hair curly, tequila shots, and horny. I was feeling like myself again with my anxiety back under control. Personal training and boxing have my confidence returning with genuineness. Feeling bold, I decided to complete the transition with a one-night stand. Boom, whisky dick. If this was like an adulterated Lizzie McGuire, cartoon character Julie would have been thrown off the horse.
Trail 2- Don’t get yourself into trouble
I have two evil alter egos that come out when I drink now. Their names are Slutty Sarah and Homewrecker Hannah. They got me into trouble and for this trial run, I was not going to let them ruin anything. It was a last-minute decision to go out for drinks but what could go wrong. I made it through the entire night without an issue, until it was time to leave. Walking out of the bar to take a friend home when the Universe decided to test me another time. There they were, the devil incarnate, standing in front of me asking what was going on. Cartoon Julie dressed in full priest garb was speaking Latin and performing an exorcism.
Trail 3- *John Mulaney’s Voice* I WAS OVER ON THE BENCH
Nine o’clock in the morning on a Friday, I am in the office, eating a donut and jamming to Olivia Rodrigo’s album at my desk. Minding my business and that’s when I saw it. Just a little DM. A reminder that there was a salad with craisins that kinda had my name on it once. I was over on the bench, well Olivia put me in my feelings but I WAS OVER ON THE BENCH. It was fine until that salad with craisins put me in a tailspin. The Universe creaked open a door that was recently closed but not locked. This part is vague for a reason, but just know I was thrown off my Hot Girl rhythm.
Trail 4- This one is still in the works.
As if my last experience with Hinge ended well, I decided to embark on this journey again. With my compass in hand, feather in my hat cartoon Julie is sailing like George Washington on the Hudson. The waters are a little testy but nothing I haven’t navigated before. It’s all fun and games until you need to debate if you should give people your number or Instagram. Two things I need to stop doing. Anyway, we’ll see how many bad first dates I’ll go on throughout the summer!
Do I really want you so bad, Hot Girl Summer?
I don’t know if I will put a label on my summer because the trials are not working in my favor and the summer hasn’t even started yet.
I want to be me again. I’ve had one too many “I love you too, Richard, but I love me more” moments in 2020. I’ve said in my two-year anniversary article that last year was rough for me. Romantically, it taught me a lot about myself and strengthened my vulnerability muscle. But, that bish is tired and needs a goddamn break.
I don’t want to front and say I will be closed off from a moment of vulnerability. Sometimes this Bad Bitch culture is about denying and repressing feelings. I know I will have my Driver’s License moments but I will also have my Maneater ones too. There is no possible way I can put a label on my summer when I cannot even control the present.
As the summer approaches faster than we realize, I can’t help but wonder how it will all turn out. Stay tuned.
Side Note: If you want to have a playlist for the summer, check out my Hot Whore Summer playlist on Spotify!