LIFESTYLEIntimate In LA: Second Marriage Material

I’ve recently moved out of LA and back to my hometown of bright and sunny (hot) Bakersfield CA. Only two hours north of LA but an entirely different world. Dating in a small town is extremely different from LA. In LA, being single at any age is pretty normal. You’re playing the field…You’re working on yourself…You’re focusing on your career…You’re gay. I was actually doing none of those things but still, there wasn’t much judgement....
Justine Barrera3 years ago104421 min
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I’ve recently moved out of LA and back to my hometown of bright and sunny (hot) Bakersfield CA. Only two hours north of LA but an entirely different world. Dating in a small town is extremely different from LA. In LA, being single at any age is pretty normal. You’re playing the field…You’re working on yourself…You’re focusing on your career…You’re gay. I was actually doing none of those things but still, there wasn’t much judgement. In LA it always felt like there were less couples, less married people, and definitely less married people with kids. 

In a slower-paced town like Bakersfield dating feels very different.  When I say smaller/slower town I don’t mean bodunk. Bakersfield is actually pretty huge and RICH. There’s just different priorities, families for one…And when you’re single in your early-mid 30s living here, you’re a goddamn oddity. A unicorn. And in some cases, a leper. To your female married friends, you’re a charity case. To your male married friends, you’re lucky. But you’re also not allowed to hang out with them one on one. 

When I moved back home to go to grad school and save money (aka to actually work on myself and focus on my career) my LA friends always made the same joke: “You’re going to find some husband, get married, and never come back.” I always rolled my eyes and told them I’ll be back in no time. But I couldn’t help but secretly think, maybe I will. Maybe I’ll find someone who loves me and marries me and gives me the babies I didn’t want. Well, I’ve been here a year and hardly a DM slide. And why? 

EVERYONE’S MARRIED.

Let me re-state. Everyone descent with relatively similar views as me, is married. And look, I’m not picky.  I have some criteria but it’s nothing too crazy. Be nice. Have a sense of humor *(does not have to be funny but must think I’m funny). Be morally ok with gay people–I’m not saying he’s gotta be at Pride wearing glitter. But he needs to know that when we visit my gay friends, I will be cuddling in bed with them, and he will be sleeping alone. Those are my three things. Please note, I did not say employed, independently wealthy or clean. My standards are not high. So, what does that mean for someone like me where I am currently living? It means I gotta wait it out until 50% of married couples get divorce. I have to wait until a man  mentally and emotionally grows, works out and gets his revenge body, gets his pathetic little bachelor pad, and meets and falls in love with me–and then proposes within 8 months of dating. This means I have to find someone in their mid/late 40s or someone dumb enough to have gotten married at 19. I need to find the hot divorcees ready for marriage #2. 

Second marriages are more lax and independent. Everyone’s more comfortable with time away from each other. And if a husband is 5-10 years older, there may be whole weekends to yourself! Maybe even separate vacations! And sometimes, even, separate bedrooms. I know when you’re young that gives off the impression that a couple doesn’t love each other. But at my age I’m like, if he snores he’s sleeping in the guest room downstairs. Also, because you’re marrying older this means he makes more money so you can afford a house with a guest room downstairs! They’ve seen what works and what doesn’t work the first time around so, *hopefully*, they’re more aware and willing to make changes. If not you can always hold the,  “Do you want to be divorced twice before you’re 50?” over their heads. I sound shallow and a little delusional but I’m just trying to think glass half full here. If I’m going to be an older bride I want to at least know I’ll have a downstairs guest bedroom. 

You just don’t get what it’s like having an LA mindset in a Bakersfield landscape. I’m in this weird limbo of small town-big city. LA is a short drive away so it’s easy to go visit friends and go out, but I’m also now domesticated. When I go out for drinks here with friends who have kids they talk the whole night about the nightmare of parenting and needing a night away from the kids. But then they ask, “so, do you ever see yourself having kids?” Uhhh, not after your glowing review! Then I go out with single friends in LA, the conversations are about Tinder, pets, and TikTok. Which is fine, but it’s causing this weird middle earth shit where I don’t want to talk about kids but I do want to address that we’re still acting like the number of  instagram likes are one of the most important things in the world. 

This is the age that I’m asking myself: am I going to be the older mom, the fun aunt, or adopt? When living in LA it’s very normal to not have/not want kids. You’re almost shunned if you have kids. When you get pregnant you’re cast out to a suburb. And we single people only come visit once or twice a year to get our instagram content. Then we leave you high and dry ‘til the next pumpkin patch photo opportunity.  The only people wanting you to have kids are people who already have kids. And obviously it’s because their lives have been enriched with the love of their children. BUT, it’s also because they need someone else to be on the same schedule.  They want to not feel weird about asking to hang out with you during the 11am-2pm window between naps and they want someone who has kids to hang out so that all the kids can distract each other. 

Let’s take a brief moment to discuss having children. There’s a little myth that if you don’t want kids it’s because you don’t like kids. Incorrect. I love kids. I love buying kid presents. I also love spending a small amount of time with kids. And I love teaching them silly jokes like, ‘Spell I-Cup’. I thought I wanted kids. And maybe I do. But I know the only reason I thought I wanted them was because I was told I was going to want them. Here are a few very common things I hear from parents after I say I don’t want kids: “Oh, you say that now but you just never know” or “Oh, that’ll change once you meet someone” and my favorite, “You just don’t know love until you’ve become a mother.” Well guess what, I have two cats and judging by the amount of love I have for them, I don’t think I could handle loving a child. It would break me. And ok sure, maybe that’ll change when I meet someone but guess what–I haven’t met someone–so, do you want me to settle for the wrong someone just so I can have kids? Because I see you did that and you’ve got chardonnay in your coffee mug at the park at 10am Jennifer, so why are you so ‘concerned’ for me?  If you were to tell me you want kids I would never say to you. “Ooh, that’ll change once you break up with someone.” You want/have kids and that’s great. I don’t. And we should all be equally ok with that. Sure, I may be missing out on like, unconditional love or whatever, but guess what? YOU’RE ALSO MISSING OUT on having a social life and doing what you want. And you’re probably ok with that. You probably don’t want to stay out til 2am dancing at gay bars. But guess what, I DO.  We’re both loving life. Let’s just be happy for each other. And this is not an attack on any of my married friends with kids. Because you know I love hanging out and watching Harry Potter; I just love getting to leave after a couple hours more.

And hey, I might find that Chris Hemsworth divorced his hot model wife and wants a kid with me. In that case, yes, I’ll think about it. But let’s stop making people who don’t have kids feel like they’re charity cases. I might have wanted that at one point and now I might not. I also wanted to work with Harvey Weinstein when I was a kid, so we all know our ideals can change. 

This segways perfectly back into why I’m second marriage material. Dude, divorced dads who already have kids?! PERFECT. I don’t have to give birth and we only get his half the time (depending on the arrangement obviously). Not everyone has the picture perfect divorce, but do you think I give a shit if his kids like me? NOPE. Oh you’re kids hate me and don’t want me sleeping over the weekends they’re there? Great, I’ll be in WeHo for the weekend. You guys have fun here. Deuces! But let’s be honest, I’m cool as fuck, those kids will love me. There’s been like, what? 5 people in life that don’t like me?? The odds are in my favor. In all seriousness, coming in second hand sounds like a dream, I’m not their mother but they can come to me if they want. I might have a Julia Roberts/Susan Sarandon-Stepmom-situation but that riff lasted…75 movie minutes? Which is like, what, 6 months? I can handle that. I can blend a family like Marcos from La Costa blends my strawberry margarita. (La Costa Bakersfield has no affiliation with Intimate in LA).

All in all, I try to be a glass half full kind of gal. I know my time will come, it’ll just be someone else’s second time. And I think I’d rather have a late first time than divorced and starting over. I’ve seen that firsthand and that shit is rough.

 I didn’t get to marry Ben Affleck or Ryan Gosling but they haven’t had their second marriages yet so there’s still hope. I can hold out a little longer! And those who know me personally might be reading this as a shock because I’ve never really talked about being interested in older men in their 40s.  I am very verbal about wanting to be a cougar and love the young faces of Timothee Chalamet or Noah Centineo. But, their time will come when I’m ready for MY second marriage.

 

Justine Barrera

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