POP CULTURETVBOURDAIN

Its really hard to put into words the difficulties of grieving for someone you’ve never met. I try to be someone that doesn’t hold credence to fame or fortune but I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t envy Anthony’s life at one point. When ever he is brought up people (as well as myself) used to always say “He had the dream job.” Looking back, that statement implies a lot about...
J-Walk5 years ago175414 min
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Its really hard to put into words the difficulties of grieving for someone you’ve never met. I try to be someone that doesn’t hold credence to fame or fortune but I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t envy Anthony’s life at one point. When ever he is brought up people (as well as myself) used to always say “He had the dream job.” Looking back, that statement implies a lot about the expectations of happiness. Money should make you happy. Fame should make you happy. Respect and notoriety from your peers will make you satisfied. Sadly, if Anthony’s suicide show us anything it is that those shallow mindsets are complete horse shit. He was an open book and never sugar coated anything on his show or in his writing to make the viewer or reader comfortable. He wrote as if he had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Bourdain was an unapologetic artist that embraced the pain of the human condition to show how little things like food, people, and authenticity matter. That is a style that I flimsily try to recreate in my own work but Anthony’s legacy and message have shaped a lot of my life as well as this website.

-“Sadly, if Anthony’s suicide show us anything it is that those shallow mindsets are complete horse shit.”-

Tony was one of us. He is the reason I have an intense interest in cuisine. So intense that I was dumb enough to be a line cook for 8 years while I was in college. I can’t stress enough of how difficult of a gig that was. It’s a thankless job that doesn’t pay well and usually requires that you work long weekend hours. Not all of it is bad though, there is the comradery that comes with being part of a team as well as the perks of working behind the scenes in any industry. Anthony’s first book “Kitchen Confidential” was first blasted by critics as an “expose” which after reading it twice, I can confidently tell you it is not. The book describes the life of a cook in the context of being a pirate; traveling from restaurant to restaurant in one’s career searching for recipes, methods, and ingredients as if they were gold coins. “Kitchen Confidential” is centered around cooking but it is actually a touching memoir about a recovering addict finding himself and picking up the pieces of his life. This humanizes him to the point of almost pity but it also shows the type of triumph that lives in every person if they dedicate themselves.

Like many people I grew up watching both of his shows “No Reservations” and “Parts Unknown”. These programs were different than that typical cooking shows that were on TV at the time. Food Network’s rise to fame was through the big name chefs and the recipes that gave them world noteiry. No disrespect to Emeril, Mario, Julia Childs, or Bobby Flay but Bourdain’s show was so much more genuine for an everyday person like me. It had grit. Both programs were not preoccupied with the “how” but more “why” and the “who”. It was also a travel show where Tony would fully immerse himself in an alien culture. Coming from a humble small town background I didn’t see much of the world outside of Central California growing up. A lot of what I knew about Asia, Russia, Europe, and Latin America came from seeing it through my television set. My tour guide was Anthony Bourdain. I have watched most episodes once and have lightly read his writing throughout the years. His grasp of the English language was vibrant and passion for cinematography bled through the screen. My favorite part of the show was his skill as a narrator reflecting on the past while speaking about the present.

At one point in my life I was working as a line cook at a fancy restaurant in Del Mar California while writing my own biography in my downtime. I had the dream of one day leaving cooking to release a book and become a freelance writer. That dream was discouraged when my house was broken into and the laptop that had my book, poems, short stories, and art were stolen. This gave me a writer’s block that lasted about two years. Every attempt to start over always felt too daunting and left me felling overwhelmed. Following that I wrote poetry exclusively for a few years up until a few months ago. During that time life moved really fast and I developed severe depression, addiction, and suicidal thoughts. Thanks to my support system I turned my life a complete 180 and saw Anthony as an idol again but this time simply as “the addict that turned it around”. If he could do it, so could I. I think now you can see why I used the word “grieving” in the first sentence. The fact that he killed himself ripped my soul in half because I know from experience how low and alone those moments can feel.

I remember like it was yesterday, I was driving on the 15 Freeway and I heard that he passed away on the morning radio. I wept. Only being two months into my sobriety my spirit was crushed, I felt defeated. Truthfully it is one of the closest calls i’ve had to relapseing in my now 167 days of sobriety. In that suffering I received a moment of clarity or what my religious friends call an epiphany. A voice in my head said “You need to start writing again and you need to have a platform to share with the world”. That idea spun into my mind until it became concrete. This website jeawok.com is that intention in action. The rest of our team and myself hope to bring you content that considers the human element and has an authenticity that would make Bourdain proud. Like him I want us to be original and challenge what the current tide tells us is acceptable when it comes our art and writing. This also will require the same humility he had to step out of our comfort zone and collaborate with artists from different backgrounds. In this social media driven culture, too many people worry about whether other people will love what they do when truth is they don’t even know if they love what they do. True self discovery comes from freeing yourself from fear of criticism. That is true freedom. Bourdain’s show, books, and articles always felt like he was speaking off the cuff and wore his heart on his sleeve.

-“The reason I related with him so much is because like him I have embraced my vulnerability in a world that tells us men are supposed to be invulnerable emotionally.”-

Death and suffering are inevitable. Recovery and peace are not certain. When we fall there won’t always be people to pick us up and we will have to pick ourselves up. Some of us stay down till it’s our time. I mourn for him because of the idea of him “having it all” and still feeling empty sounds like pure agony. I guess this is a lesson for us to always check in on our friends and to be honest with ourselves if we are depressed. It is ok to ask for help, life can be so overwhelming that it feels like death is the only thing that makes peace feel possible. The stigma behind suicide make it a very sensitive subject to discuss because of differing religions or life philosophies. These thoughts do not make you weak. Acknowledging and facing your problems is true courage. The saddest truth about suicide is the ones you love the most are the ones you hurt the most in the end. I find that to be a true tragedy. In death I hope that Anthony Bourdain can rest and find the tranquility that he could not find in this world.

J-Walk

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